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the rollercoaster that is pregnancy.

Written on 11/04/2008 23:16:51 by

when my husband and i decided to try for a second baby six years after having our beautiful daughter it was a very exciting but scary thing, it took a year to get pregnant and it happened really at the point when i had tried to put it out of my mind we had just returned from a holiday in spain and i had been sort of bleeding for 4 days but no proper period had arrived so i did a home test and sure enough there in that little box was the tell tale blue line, not wanting to panic but because i had suffered an misscarriage and ectopic pregnancy years ago and remember the warning signs and the awful wierd period that came before them and the alarm bells rang in my head and be honest i half thought that it was going to happen again, so i went to my doctoer it was a saturday and they sent me straight to hospital, after a horrible internal and a scan the nurse looked at me a little confused and said "well you are pregnant but we believe it was originally twins non identical twins and one of them has sadly broken down and as a result you have a layer of debris underneath a healthy pregnancy so hopefully this will pass away and leave the other little one there" they went on to explain it was high seated so they were hopeful and they had even actually detected a heartbeat on the scan, this was rare at this stage in development but they hoped it would give me a little reassurance but they could not give me any firm hope for the future that baby 2 would stay put, they left me on a drip overnight and then sent me home to get on with it and come back if any issues, its horrible the odd limbo they throw you into telling you to go home and get on with it, i know deep down its true but when you wake up every morning wondering if this is the day you are going to loose your baby, and the act of standing up and going to the loo fills you with fear, getting on with it is very hard, it eventually took me five weeks to stop bleeding and we went in for a check up and scan, my heart was beating out of my chest and they confirmed that the little dot from before was now getting bigger and the other pregnanacy was clear all measurements were good and hopefully the past worries were finished they took the normal blood test and sent me home grinning like a cheshire cat with a scan picture that to be honest even i could not really tell what way round it went but it was our cue to relax well for around a week anyway the screening tests were for a few things but mainly downes syndrome, i never gave them a second thought i was not near 40 only 33 and i was fine with my daughter so it didnt even enter my head, but out of the blue one friday afternoon i was called at work by a midwife from our hospital, my heart stopped confusion flooded into my head, then she said the words i had always feared but never really considered "we believe your baby may have downes syndrome" like a thunder bolt it hit me through my sobs i tried to listen to her explain that my blood tests had come back and not only were we in the high risk bracket but we were in the elevated hight risk bracket of having a downes syndrome baby, basically the odds were 1 in 20 and they wanted us to go in for an amnio test. now please do not hate me for being honest about this but i had always feared downes syndrome even as young teen my friends and i had talked about it and i had always said flatly i could not cope with that condition it had always chilled me to the bone, i feared it and had always said anything but that, and now here i was, i drove home in a blurred shocked state telling myself
it was my judgement for being weak and all thoes times i had said i could not go ahead if i knew downes syndrome was a factor etc etc and here now the possibilty was looking me right in the face, i felt ashamed scared mentally battered i could not get my husband on his phone he had taken our daughter to the cinema, so by the time i got home i had time to try and compose myself a little and prepared for him to get back and having to break the news to him and also to discuss what we wanted to do, well he walked in and i just broke down i tried to explain and after about four hours of crying we both sat there numb what were we going to do? have the test dont risk it see what happens or have the test and risk the pregnancy regardless and then what would we do if it was positive? we went into the hospital the next day and discussed (and sobbed) at a counceller who explained it all too us, and also the risk factor the amnio test itself can cause miscarriage so we were risking it all, after all we had already gone throught we agreed we wanted the test i had to know i had to prepare my mind, we would get over the results when we had them but i just had to know one way or the other, she assured us that the test is 100% in its findings there is no grey area so we would know for sure, also we could find out the sex of our baby too as it is a genetic test that goes right trought the chemical make up of your baby, luckily we could have the test done on monday so we only had the weekend to wait until the first stage and then they expected the results by the following thursday, we had all the long phone calls explainging to family and friends what was going on and the plan of action over the weekend we both agreed not to keep going over and over it there is no point getting worked up my husband said until we know what is going on but both of us secretly racked our brains and broke our hearts over the weekend with the whole what would we do question, we knew that they would offer a termination if it was a positive result then what.... my mind was nearly broken sullenly monday came round and we reported to the hospital the nurses were very blunt but in hindsight i appreciated that, i did however ask that if possible i did not want to see the scan images, aaah said the nurse that will be hard to do, as we entered the room on the wall was a 42" screen tv hooked up to the machines, the image popped up and there was my little baby, a boy i could tell straight away as the scan zoomed past his little bits and pieces the test is two parts a detailed scan and the extraction of water from the womb the scan was ok the water part was not and the fact that i was so tense did not help my blood pressure went throught the roof and poor craig nearly broke my hand but just the look on his face watching his little son kick around was one that made it all harder i felt so protective to my little bundle but terrified of it and what we could be facing, i have rhesus blood so i was given and anti d jab after and told to go home and rest and stay off my feet to reduce the risk of my waters breaking so we went home half happy but as soon as we smiled the thought of why we were there flooded back, the next 3 days were the hardest of our lives waiting not knowing and for the first time everywhere we went we were confronted with people suffering from every level of downes syndrome on the scale, had we truly been so blind to them before was this our wake up call were we being prepared for what was to come in my mind i knew that if the test was positive i had a lot of growing up to do i was having a beautiful baby boy and regardless it was our baby who needed us and would be a gift no matter what there was no way that after seeing that little body and heart thumping away on that screen i could consider a termination it sickened me to think that the week before i had thought about it. over the days we were flooded with support from my family and our friends all we needed to hear was that it didnt matter and our little boy belonged to a family that was going to love him and friends that were going to support him and us through whatever was about to be thrown at us, and everyone did they all stepped up except my mother in law who didn't even pick up the phone my poor husband no support from the one person who should have been there for him, but that is a whole different story,
we waited in dread until thursday we even went shopping trying to take our minds off it but it was useless, and as we were returning to the car the hospital phoned, i have good news the nurse beamed down the phone the test is negative, after all of that heartbreak confusion and utter termoil not to mention all the extra grey hairs on my head our little baby was going to be fine this time we cried for joy, over a celebration curry on the night we both confirmed that had it been different it would have made no difference and we would have gone ahead, united we stand, s now at week 17/18 we can realx for about a week, i had noticed that i was very out of breath i put it down to stress as we had had quite a bit of it but i was out of breath easily and i started to get that you stood up too quickly feeling and going faint, i actually keeled over in the supermarket and came round to find myself being watched by loads of people and having a bag of defrosted strawberry splits, i went back to the docs, your blood pressure is throught the roof he said you have got to rest more i was still at work full time and my day was very long and often stressful, i had to report to the doc 3 times a week for 2 weeks until he had had enough and sent me back to the hospita with suspected pre elampsia, after some tests they were not too sure but they thought it was my heart not the baby basically the heart cannot cope with the extra blood flow and distance it has to travel and there was nothing they could do except if it got bad admit me to hospital on bed rest, i pleaded for them to let me stay home i promised to rest all i could but i had to work we could not afford to start my maternity leave as i am the main wage earner and i did not want to scare my daughter again we had all been through enough, so i spent the next few weeks having plenty of tests in the cardiac clinic, being fitted with tapes to monitor my heart etc and tried to manage the days with numb hands and blue feet and lips, i had no energy i often felt faint while lying down i was asleep in bed by 7.30 each night and still woke up the next day feeling exhausted, this horrible feeling continued until around week 33 when it eased but we spent all of those weeks wondering if baby was going to have enough and decide to get out while the going was good, or was i going to just drop dead one day? i looked so ill it seemed possible my husband was teffified where was our enjoyment in this pregnancy we had not had one week to enjoy it, but we were nearly there i myself was born at 30 weeks and in my mind as soon as i passed that point the baby had a good chance it was not ideal but i am still here to tell the tale so mentally i preyed and week 30 came and went and by week 33 it had eased but been replaced by terrible pelvic pain, i could not sit stand and even in bed there was no relief it was awful i had to rely on pills and hadn't our little one been through enough without bombarding him with painkillers so i tried to stay away from them but i was exhausted the docs explained i had a sensitive pelvis and there was nothing that can be done to relieve it i could have had physyo therepy but by the time i would have gotten an appointment baby would be here so they did not even refer me, so on we marched daily agony and exhaution but i had 7 weeks to go i could do this i kept telling myself it wil be worth it, and fighting the guilt that i had because my poor dauther and husband had had to be around a moody tearful me for weeks now i really thought they must be sick of it but theywere great and helped me through week 34 came round and it was a very icy day and while driving to work one morning i saw a bird flash throught my headlights oh god i had hit it i am sure i had, never being the one to just leave things i had to check and see that it wasn't suffering i parked up and went back to look, laughing to myself it was no where to be seen and i went to go back to my car and i actually thought to myself i feel ok today my god how strange things are looking up, then out of nowhere i slipped on the ice, i crashed to the floor hitting my head on the kerb i saw stars i landed right on my huge stomach too i was frantic i tried to stand up but i was reeling blood poured down my face my head hurt an aotu pilot i headed home frantic and worse i could not feel the baby, every morning even today before the fall the little one was kicking around but now nothing not a wriggle, i sobbed frantically down the phone to my sister i think ihave killed my baby, she was great she worked next to the hospital and was in work so said get a cab i will meed you there she phoned them to say what had happened and they told me to go straight up my poor hubby the look of horror on his face when i walked back in the door covered in blood, the side of my head was nearly twice the size it should be and my right eye was part closed, but i didn't care i just needed to know the baby was ok we rushed to the hospital and was greeted by my sister who went white my god she said what the hell did you do, then i had to explain they both went mad at me why did you get out the car my hubby kept saying because i had too you know me was all i could say, as soon as we heard that little beating heart we all took a deep breath, and after a couple of hours the little kicks came back but i was having contractions he machine was picking them up, three hours i had to stay in wired up to machines until the contractions stopped it was just the shock the nurses told me to go
to another hospital to have my head and arm checked and then to go home rest, its very important they said you have to rest, christmas was on top of us i had so much to do i have a little girl i kept saying i cant just stop its not fair on her, and also i want my blooming stage all ihad had so far was blooming awful and baby was only 6 weeks away when was this pregnancy going to be fun????? to be honest i had really had enough by now and i just wanted my baby here i could not have anymore hassle i said to craig that night please please can the last weeks just go well and quickly, ha in a word NO a week later i caught the sickness bug that was sweeping the country, i still had the pelvic pain and now i was throwing up uncontrollably i lost weight it stripped me of my apetite and i was so weak from week 34 to week 38 i had 6 bouts of this sickness over christmas and the new year, eventually my doc sent me back to the hospital i pleaded with them i cant do this anymore i said i was so weak gaunt i looked so ill my skin was grey, just deliver the baby my husband said she cant go on like this and there is no way she could manage a labour like the last one (4 days!!) the baby consultant got onto the cardio consultant and they discussed what was the best way to go forward we will deliver the baby on week 38 they said by section at last i new i had a date i only had to get there weak and still having days of sickness week 38 rolled round and on the 18th of Jan 2008 at 9.30 am little aiden was delivered by section weighing 6lb 4oz i can honestly say my pregnancy was awful we truly did not have one good week throught the whole nine months i am suprised i am not bald with worry and my poor husband i know i had not been the best person to be around throught it but on that day it all became insignificant health scares family divisions tummy bugs and blackbirds all became the past and here was our future a lovely little boy a brother for our daughter and a son for us we could not be any happier so to all of you out there going through rough times all i can say is you will get through it try hard concentrate on the future be strong and when you have that little baby it will all be worth it i promise... just dont ask me when we are planning the next one....

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