Forum : Mums

Don't know if its my depression/anxiety blowing things out of proportion or if my hubby really is going off me.
Been together 10 years in december, married for 7, and he's been there for me through some really bad times including a breakdown, then we lost our first baby together, it certainly hasn't been easy for him. We now have a 16 month old son who is our whole world and we feel so lucky to have him. We both had children from previous relationships and know that its hard with a baby and that your relationship suffers due to tiredness, financial worries and not having any time together. We've been trying for another baby for 9 months now as time is running out for me.
The last week or two he is picking at me for every little thing (stupid things too) and just doesn't seem happy at all. His sister has just split up from her husband and we were talking about it and how she will manage as she is ill and unable to work, and I was saying that I was lucky when I split from my first husband as I had a good job and could afford to buy another house and run a car and support myself and my daughter. He then said what would you do now if we split up!!!!!!! As I only work 5 hours a week due to his shifts and having nobody to look after our son (his parents help his sister out with her children monday to friday). I think it was just said in conversation but then I got thinking about it more.....

I haven't been well the last couple of weeks so have been going to bed early, he works 12 hour shifts and needs to wind down after work so comes to bed a lot later. I know we need more time together but its just not possible as my son will only settle for me at bedtime so we can't go out in the evenings - haven't been out together since he was born.
A lot has gone wrong in the house in the last two months - dishwasher broke, flood in bathroom that came through the ceiling into the hall, problem with the car, stepsons bed broke and last weekend the oven broke so I have no oven at the moment. On top of that we have some damp in the dining room that needs doing, the fire doesn't work in there and needs replacing and it needs decorating badly.
I know he's worried about money, and fed up of the house being a mess, but even so I still can't understand why he's picking about silly little things after the big stuff that we've already had to deal with - to me none of that is important after everything we've already been through.

So am wondering if he's feeling that he wants to get out but can't :-((((
Have texted him at work today and said that we need to talk tonight, and am going to just ask him outright.
Sorry for long post.

Hi buffy, i very much doubt he is going off you. It sounds to me like he's feeling the pressure, the responsibility to provide for his family can be quite overwhelming at times, and stress comes out in different ways hence the picking. sound like you both need a bit of pampering. pERHAPS START with lit things just to show you care. breakfast in bed, special cooked meals, bath setting etc...

All relationships have hi & lows, try not to think the worst, from what you say you have both been through alot and appriciate the simpler things in life, hang in there it will get better hun. xxx

Hi LK thanks for your reply, we had a good talk last night and he said I was being silly and that he still loves me and we both need to make more of an effort. So I feel a bit better now! Just don't want us to grow apart, we used to be really close and it would be nice to get that back again.
Anyway we will work at it!
Thanks again, hope everything is going ok with you and yours too xxx

Hi Buffy, I know exactly how you feel as me and my husband have had the worst year, it has probably been the worst year for me in my life due to money problems and losing my Nan (who was like a Mum to me) plus having IVF treatment and I have had 4 bartholins cysts (which im not sure if you know what they are but they are not comfy and I have been in hospital with them twice). We were going through a very rocky stage and I was so worried that we had tried to do so much at once that the pressure was getting to much for us especially as a newly married couple. We got to a stage where we couldnt spend time together without a full blown row.
So we sat down and decided that we needed to take off the pressure and make the time for us. So we are doing one thing at a time. Thankfully the IVF worked first time, and we move into our new house on Monday. We dont have any children of our own but he works odd shifts so we make sure the evenings we have together we spend just being together, watching tv or having a bath together, I always find this is the best time to talk about things on your mind.
Not sure ive been of much help but hopefully after your chat you will stop worrying and you will get back on track xx

Hi Lea, gosh you have had a tough year I'm so sorry, but so glad that your IVF worked first time for you.
Its good that you're moving long before the new baby arrives too, it would have been a nightmare moving afterwards! You'll have plenty of time to get everything sorted before he/she arrives.
I think that not sitting and talking together has been the problem, he's been sitting playing online pool in one room while I watch telly in the other room or vice versa (but I'm on forums not pool lol!) and we should be making the effort to be together. I suppose we've been using these things as our wind down time when the baby is in bed instead of winding down together.
Thank you so much for your advice, you have helped and hopefully things will get better now we've got everything out in the open :-))xx

hi, sorry didnt get bk to you earlier, glad youve had chance to chat and things seem better now. like you said to me it is difficult with children to spend time alone with each individual,but im really glad you have worked through it xxx

Hi Claire, thanks. We've both been a bit quick to pick at things I think (he's worse obviously lol!) and haven't been making much effort. We've been together 10 years in december so have asked inlaws if they'll watch max over lunchtime so we can go out for lunch together but it will only be 2 hours as they'll be picking sil's kids up from school afterwards. But better than nothing!
How are you doing now? xx

Just a small amount of quality time but often is all you need. Me and my hubby went through a rough patch a few years ago. Think it was combination of taking each other for granted, working long hours and stress of moving house, but it felt like we were growing apart. It took a lot of talking and effort on both sides but we eventually got back on track. We were same in that he plays his guitar and I'm in different room with telly, but we make effort to watch some things together some evenings or go for a walk on a Sunday afternoon when he's not at work! Good luck, I'm sure you will work things out.

o thats great, like you say its better than nothing and every alone minute helps, hey rekindling the romance might help make the baby!!!! you'll be more relaxed thats for sure. me and my bright ideas ey.
im really happy for you. and yes the men are always the worst at picking lol.

Thanks pygmygoatamy, its not off to a very good start - he's on the treadmill and I'm on the computer. In the same room though I suppose! Then he's off for a shower and by the time he comes down and we have some tea it will be bedtime for me.
Maybe tomorrow!
Claire, don't think we'll get chance for any baby making in those two hours (might get some funny looks in the restaurant lol!!) but I'm only joking I know what you mean it might bring us closer and relax us for later on ha ha!!